Sick Day Handbook

This Sick Day Thing is catching on...

2005-09-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

Seems like I'm not the only one coming up with ways to fake sick. I've been MIA working on the book but a friend sent me an article on the top 20 excuses given when phoning in sick and I had to post it:

It's from a longer story that can be found on MSN's Career Builder...

I was sprayed by a skunk.

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn't find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

I was spit on by a venomous snake.

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

A hitman was looking for me.

My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

I eloped.

My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.

I forgot what day of the week it was.

Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

A tree fell on my car.

My monkey died.

tagged...

2005-08-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

So, I have to write about ten songs I'm really into at the moment and whilst I should be clever enough to come up with ten that are about faking sick or being sick or anything remotely related to illness, alas, I cannot. I'll just be honest, for once, and list my ten...

1. Gone Going by the Black Eyed Peas--this song rocks and is everything I believe to be true about consumerism and its insanely empty aftermath. I had it on repeat all morning on my way into work.
2. Wildflowers by Tom Petty--helps me start my day and believe in myself
3. Mr. Brightside by The Killers--helps me walk to work faster
4. Africa--by Toto. Who doesn't love this song?
5. Me and Julio...Paul Simon. I mean, come on people! Mama Pajama rolled out of bed and she ran to the police station! When the papa found out he began to shout and they started the investigation. -- BEAT THOSE LYRICS!
6. Florida by Patty Griffin--I'm going to advise you to not listen to this song if you are remotely sad.
7. Chelsea Hotel by Leonard Cohen--one of my all time faves now how is it that Leonard Cohen is bankrupt and having all sorts of trouble. He is a genius.
8. Wise Up by Aimee Man (can you tell I love ye olde sad songs?)
9. Don't Think Twice It's Alright by Bob Dylan--perhaps one of my all time all time faves EVER. Great great song.
10. Waterfall by the Stone Roses. Another good one to get you going in the am.

Now, what do I do? I tag someone? Contagious. Please help me.

Is your boss an animal? Which one?

2005-08-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

Let's play animology. This is the high tech science of determining what kind of animal your boss would be if your boss was an animal. Once determined, there's the additional high tech process of figuring out how many fake sick days you're entitled to due to your boss's animal behavior. Here are some examples:

If you work for an ostrich chances are your boss likes group projects. Ostriches thrive in groups. However, they only have two toes which are huge enormous scary bird toes and they can also kick. Very hard. Ostriches are the only birds that cannot fly. Chances are, your boss missed out on some great opportunity earlier in his career and is now suffering because of it. He laments his inability to fly. This can be good, if he can excel in groups but if the group isn't getting his message, he's like to pummel you with those crazy legs. If your boss feels threatened, he'll either run away on those wicked long legs or lie down and try to remain unseen. He's not great at coping with the disasters that accompany being a boss. Make note of that. Generally, though, ostriches make alright bosses. If we're talking sick days deserved b/c of boss behavior, the ostrich's employee only gets one.

If you work for an alligator, your boss is snappy, dried up, and should seek cover under water ASAP. You, on the other hand, should high tail it out of there. You shouldn't try to approach him in any way whatsoever. If he comes up to you, stay as still as possible and look agreeable--that is, if you can see him. Alligators can stalk their prey by sticking only their eyes out of the water. Watch out. He's the kind of boss you won't hear a peep out of for days and then suddenly he can't shut up and he's aggressive as all get out. Don't bother trying to overachieve, it'll never be good enough and he'll always come snapping back for something bigger and better. An alligator can eat a deer basically in one bite. What else does one really need to say? As soon as you realize your boss is an alligator, call in sick until you find a new job.

If you work for an elephant, your boss is larger than life and her presence fills the office. She's loud but has moments of wisdom. She creeps you out most of the time b/c you can't get over her size and her grey, wrinkley skin and also there is that thing about the sharp and heavy tusks that's sort of wearing on you. But toss her some peanuts and she'll be quiet. Note that she isn't going anywhere. She's been at the company forever and she's going to live for a long long time AND she never forgets a thing. If you can get over her enormousness and her insane loyalty to your company, an elephant can make an alright boss and you are justified in only taking two days yearly mainly b/c you have to deal with her taking up most of the space in your office. Don't make her mad, though, because she'll win. She's bigger. She's been there longer.

If you work for a wolf, well, good luck. It'll probably take a year or two before you even know you're working for a wolf b/c wolves don't tend to show their true colors on day one. In fact, wolves will only behave in response to your own behavior. You're going to have to study your boss's facial expressions and posture to know what kind of wolf he is. Have a boss who makes lengthy and consistent eye contact? That's an alpha wolf. Watch out. Have a boss who doesn't stand up straight and looks away? Does this boss also never eat lunch with the group or join you on social outings? This is an omega wolf. The least powerful of all wolves. You can actually get away with a lot with an omega. Other wolves isolate and pick on omegas. However, a fed up omega will often leave the group and go form another group. Watch out! If you're working for a wolf who's an omega, your boss is about to up and leave and form a new company. And guess who's not invited? And remember, yo' wolf boss got teeth people. Sharp teeth. While not as bad as an alligator, this is a risky boss who's either going to eat you or form another company. Take five free fake sick days and polish up your resume OR form a small union at your office and get him kicked out.

Who do you work for?

Establish existing circumstances to make your sick day more believable...

2005-08-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

The above topic will occupy a whole chapter and may bleed into two in The Sick Day Handbook, coming in August 2006 from Conari Press. Here's the deal, people. You need to establish some early and legit excuses for your sick days and this work should start the minute you arrive in your work environment.

Here are a few things you should "have" and discuss openly with you co-workers.

1. A vague yet somewhat common illness that requires bedrest or days off but no doctor's note such as irritable bowel syndrome, migraine headaches, severe acid reflux, chronic fatigue syndrome, etc. Google the illness of your choice and voila (!) you will have the bit of info you need to lay the groundwork. The key here is to not be too specific.

2. Something wrong with your living quarters...For instance, my cousin has bats in her house. She's too much of an animal lover to have them exterminated but approximately twice a year they cause her major problems. She can't sleep at night because she's awake, fighting bats. Or, most recently, a run in with a bat forced her to shut off the room of her home where her ironing board was kept and for goodness sake, my cousin can't go to work with unironed clothes. Who can? Not only is she suffering from lack of sleep, she's suffering from lack of ironing. Two wrongs make a sick day.

3. Something wrong with a key person in your life...such as your child, your spouse, your roommate, your housemate, your landlord, your neighbor, etc. They need your help and you, being the good Samaritan that you are, are on the ready to phone in sick.

4. Something wrong with your mode of transportation. Suffer a long commute? Talk about it. Make your employer feel it's their fault your commute sucks and once every so often phone in your faker with a slight illness that would turn into full fledged meningitis if you were forced to come in on that bus, the train, then the mile walk...

Have other pre-existing conditions you care to share? Pony up, kids. I'm nearly at deadline.

Week conspiring against you? Leave early!

2005-08-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

If you're anything like me you've had a long week. Mine started with crazy road rage driver and is ending with the roof on my rented house being replaced. So despite having half day Fridays in the summertime, I can't go home to enjoy it b/c I will literally feel as if hammers are being driven into my head.

Still, I want to leave NOW! Don't you?

I just want one day with no noise, no chatter, no one else's drama. A day to lie back. Relax. And eat some candy in bed.

I 'spose that's why they made Saturday.

TGIF!

My dog has pink eye!

2005-08-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

Now...can I call in sick for this? My dog has conjunctivitis. He has to have medicine applied to his eye three times per day. Thoughts? I have to apply the medicine. Don't you think I should get a few days?

If my kid had pink eye I might get a day or two...

Now if only I had asked if I could get pink eye from my dog...Maybe I should phone the vet and ask. Because no one wants you coming to work with pink eye. That is almost as bad as lice!

Oh how I should have phoned in...

2005-08-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

I have multiple reasons to have phoned in a faker today, the least of which being the fact that it is Monday. Mondays are the worst. Does anyone dare to disagree? If so, state your case.

Here is why my Monday has, so far, been worse than most...

I did not get to sleep till quite late b/c, while driving home from a nice meal out with some friends, some psycho road rager was driving one inch from our car and attempted to pass on our right side while we were making a right hand turn. Who does this? Crazy people. Then, he stopped in front of us whilst we were on our street and would not let us pass. I got out of the car and walked to our house. I could not take sitting there and was so mad I was either going to walk away or harm the idiot. I chose the former. He then stopped in front of our house for several minutes as if to say, I know where you live. Like we need another psychopath stopping by.

My husband phoned the police, who told him to come to the station and file a road rage report. Yes, there are such things. So 'twas filed and I believe we dimmed the lights at a bit past midnight. At least the loud walker is out of town this week.

This morning I had a dentist appointment. Really. Is there anything else one needs to say about that? After twenty minutes of scraping and prodding and cleaning and general unpleasantness (plus the constant chatter of the hygienist who can wax philosophic for hours on the following topics: dental floss, dentures, the weather, the seasons), I was released. I guess I should be thankful that I'm cavity-free.

The topper? I arrive at the train station on this the first day of August to see a line hundreds of people long. Tired commuters were waiting to purchase their monthly train pass from the ONE, count 'em, ONE attendant available. Where were the others? Maybe they phoned in. Maybe they hate Mondays and the first day of the month and see fit to phone in their fakers when the two collide. The automated machines were not working either. Everyone was mad. Way to start out the week.

Neighbors making you sick?!

2005-07-27T05:43:00.000-07:00

I should have phoned in today. Last night I suffered in my own personal hell b/c of the guy who lives next door and the woman who lives downstairs. Let's discuss...

The woman who lives downstairs has numerous issues, the least of which being that she is a loud walker. Not only is she a loud walker, she is also a night owl. So she likes to loud walk from the hours of 11:30 pm and 2 am. This is when I want to go downstairs, remove her loud walking shoes, and hit her over the head with them.

Loud Walker Lady, who occupies the apartment on the second floor of our three story house, also has a treadmill in her apartment. She likes to run on it at 10 pm some nights. When Loud Walker Lady runs on her treadmill, the dishes in our cupboards shake and the pictures on our walls start to do a little jig. I jump up and down on the floor above where Loud Walker Lady is enjoying her exercise until she stops. I leave her notes:

Dear Loud Walker Lady,
Are you crazy? You can't use a treadmill on the second floor. This old house will fall down. Knock it off. If you insist on using it, use it when the other adults in this home are at work.

Sincerely,
Sick Ellie

By the way, Loud Walker Lady seems to have no job. She is an enigma. Packages are delivered daily to her. She goes on long trips. She has a brand new car. What does she do? One can't say.

Last night she loud walked till 1 am. I lay awake in bed casting spells on her and seething. What should I have done? And why can't the people below her complain? If I can hear the loud walking, surely they can too.

To make matters worse, our neighbor is an idiot. He is an idiot for numerous reasons, the first of which being he has a dumb vanity plate on his car. The second being that he blares every professional sports game on television so loudly that you can hear it halfway down our street. The main reason why he is an idiot is because he has a dog who he leaves out on a tie in his yard, even when it is 95 degrees with 100% humidity. This is why next time I see him I am going to tackle him onto the ground and smack him with Loud Walker Lady's heavy shoes.

The poor dog (who I personally think "someone" should set free and liberate into a home that wants him) has begun to dig a hole in the yard that I believe will set him free. It is a crazy hole dug by a desperate dog. Mind you, this is not funny at all. Mistreating a dog is serious business. We called the cops. The dog was barking for hours. The cops came. The guy brought the dog in. The cops left.

In my country when I am president, people like this will get tickets and their dogs will be taken from them.

As soon as the dog stopped barking, Loud Walker Lady got home and began her nightly parade. Who knows why she is walking back and forth in her house at all ours. And she walks fast too. Maybe she is doing beauty pageant training? I have no idea. Regardless, I was up until 2 am listening to her clomp all about the house.

I finally took a Benadryl so I could fall asleep. When the alarm went off at 6:30, I seriously contemplated calling one in. It would have been a legit sick day too. Barking dog + Loud Walker + Benadryl = one very Sick Ellie.

Advice on dealing with the neighbors? What to do when someone else is making you sick? How to blame your sick day on others? Let me know what you've got people. You just let me know.

A Theme poem--kind of like a theme song but BETTER!

2005-07-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

This poem, "Sick," by Shel Silverstein, is perfect for us sick day-ers...When in doubt take a tip from little Peggy, though make sure you have your days of the week straight before you fib...

"I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay."
I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .............. Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

"Working from home..." The ultimate fake sick day?!

2005-07-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm interested to know what other people HONESTLY think about this topic?! A friend has suggested that the old "working from home" trick is the best way to get some of a day off without having to actually mark the day down as "sick." I know others who are fiercely defensive about the time they spend working from home and make a point of letting everyone else know they are working...I appreciate the honesty of the former friend and wonder about that of the latter (b/c aren't we all always suspicious of defensiveness?).

For instance, my friend who "works from home" manages to get in a morning run, watch whatever on her telly, and head out early to avoid the mad rush of Boston traffic heading to Cape Cod for the weekend.

What does everyone else think? When you "work from home" are you truly working? I'm not talking about people with home offices whose businesses are home based. I'm talking about people whose employers have a fairly lax policy on how many days per week you have to be in your actual office.

Is working from home allowed in your office and if so, how often do you do it?
When working from home are you honestly spending 8 hrs "working?"
Do you ever pull the "work from home" card so you can bust out early to get a jump start on a vacation or weekend?

Ever been caught doing something other than "working from home" whilst your employer believed you to be sitting on your hard-working bum at your home computer putting in your time?

Faking it, legal-style

2005-07-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd do us all the favor of pulling this response to an earlier post front and center so that we can all take a few notes on what to do and what not to do and rest assured that if we blunder terribly, we know a lawyer...

Here's from BarnacleGirl!

As an employment attorney, I am called upon to represent people who have abused their sick leave and have enjoyed situations such as the following:1. One gentleman who coincidentally had used all of his sick days on Fridays, Mondays, and his birthday. One of his sick calls was traced to Foxwoods casino. We were able to win him $10,000 for his unlawful termination.

2. One employer whose policy was that all employees calling out sick must remain in their homes. To monitor compliance, the boss was authorized to drive by employees' homes and ensure their cars were in the driveway. Potential fakers should make sure their employers don't have similar policies.

3. A City employee was utilizing sick time following back surgery. When his employer called him with a question, she found that he was recouperating in Florida. We were able to win his case with a doctor's note stating that relaxing in Florida was beneficial to his recovery.

Note: If one intends to fake sick, it can be extremely helpful to have a doctor friend or relative. Note that I am not offering you legal advice here.

When getting to work is enough to make you phone in sick...

2005-07-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

Lately, my commute is enough to make me want to stay home. In talking with friends and colleagues, I hear the same. If you are the sort of person who takes public transportation, take heart. You are totally justified in phoning in a faker b/c your commute is enough to make you lose your breakfast on the 7:21 uptown bound.

This morning, I waited in a sweltering train station for 15 minutes for the subway. Mind you, subways are not things you should have to wait that long for. Since I was one of the first people down to the platform, I took my place on the tracks and prepared to wait. Two minutes later, a woman carrying a large golf umbrella (don't get me started on the utter narcissism of people who cart around too large umbrellas in congested places) arrived on the platform and stood approximately 1.24 inches away from me. I love when people do this. I pray during times like these that one of my insanely strong, loud, and snot filled sneezes rises up in me and I can sneeze right on rude umbrella lady's head. PEOPLE--BACK AWAY FROM OTHER PEOPLE IN CROWDED PLACES. Standing on top of me is not going to make the train come faster or the temperature drop.

My friend Susannah, who has a super cute car but who cannot drive, believes people stand on top of me b/c I'm roughly the size of a troll. I, however, do not think this is true. I believe rude people stand on top of anyone be it Michael Jordan or Papa Smurf and I believe people who carry super large umbrellas are rude.

Anyhoo, upon the train's arrival I sat down right next to the "I'm going to slurp my coffee so loudly and for the whole ride intown that you will need to be immediately deposited into a mental institution when you dismount this train" lady.

What do you say? I mean, how do you stop this? I need advice here. What's the best way to handle slurpy coffee biotch?

So those are three reasons why it would have been far better if I stayed in bed this morning. There was no point bathing, packing a lunch and hoofing it to the train today. I'm angry. I'm annoyed. I've been victimized by late train, too large umbrella lady, and crazy coffee slurper.

What happened to you this morning that would totally justify having turned right around and gone home for a day of Dr. Phil and The Learning Channel?

Fakers who go to the beach?! Help perfect this lie.

2005-07-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

Dearest Lying, Scheming, Faking folks,

It has been suggested to me numerous times today that I call in a fake one tomorrow and head to the beach. As anyone living in New England knows, it has been HOT HOT HOT with humidity to beat the band here and just walking from the train station to my office is enough to send me spiralling down into an asthma attack OR pitting out to the extent that I'm forced to change my shirt...So, I feel that phoning in is a grande idea HOWEVS, how does one explain one's newly acquired tan (you can still get a tan whilst wearing sunscreen) on the day following the beach sick day?

Here are the options as I see them and none look too pretty to me:

Sit under your beach umbrella all the day long whilst missing out on the chance to attain that healthy summer glow. Frankly, our umbrella kicks so much a&# that it is actually about ten degrees cooler underneath.

Get a smokin tan and go into work the next day acting as if you are no tanner than you were the day before the fake day. Um, good luck pulling this one off. This will piss your co-workers OFF and they will see you for the fraud you are.

Get a smokin tan and go in and say while you were so sick you decided to put some self tanner on to get rid of your utter paleness but it went awry and now you are overly browned...This won't work either. Everyone knows self tanner sucks and turns you orange. Even the pricey kinds. I have heard good stuff about this product but heaven forbid one finds it in any store on the continent. It's not around. They can't keep up with demand. Lotta good that's doin me.

Phone your fake sick day i.e. true beach day in on a Friday and have the weekend to use as an excuse for the tan. As I said previously, phoning a Friday faker is a bad idea and I do not think anyone should do it more than once every few years. So if now's your time, baby, take it. Otherwise, reconsider.

So here I am, wanting to go to the beach, urging you to write in with suggestions for how I can do this or how you have done it before. When I say go to the beach I want to be in the water or on my beach blanket soaking up the sun. I don't want to be covered up in clothes hiding out under my umbrella. I'm here at work all dressed up trying to look inconspicuous in my cube while I plead with you to tell me best how to master this fake sick day.

Sure do appreciate your help!

Some people deserve a sick day (or would make our lives better if they took one)

2005-07-18T05:49:00.000-07:00

Driving through Pennsylvania on my way to a wedding this weekend prompted me to realize that there are some folks who should just take a day off. It was a billboard advertising the Pat Garrett amphitheatre that first sparked the idea. Poor Pat Garrett. Someone should take down this particular advertisement as the man looks terrible on it. Sadly, I can't find a reproduction of it but if I could you would see he not only looks pock-marked up there on this huge billboard with his face several stories high but he also looks, how do I put this, stuffed. If you're traveling I-78 from New Jersey into PA anytime soon, you'll see what I mean on the billboard...

Speaking of Pennsylvania, props to Country Cupboard which was attached to our "hotel." What a funny little place with all sorts of goodies.

Pitying poor Pat Garrett and driving through PA got me thinking that there are a few people in this universe who should do us all a huge service and take a day off. I'm by no means suggesting these people deserve a day off either. I'm just trying to give the human race a bit of relief from them...

First off, who are these people and what is this place? Please, folks, call in a few sick days.

Second, Karl Rove. Just please do us all a favor and go home, wherever that is, for some undetermined period of time.

In other news, I'm going to offer you some medical advice here. If you are taking a fake day, don't take benadryl. After waking up in a hotel room and having the worst stuffed up nose in all the land and suffering throughout the day with it, I finally purchased some benadryl and within twenty minutes of taking it, I was out. Cold. As in I could not move my limbs. I could open my eyes and hear voices that seemingly came from places far away but I could not get out of bed. Not even to brush my teeth. If you're really truly suffering from allergies, go ahead and take it. But if you wanted to sound groggy for your call in, you're better advised to take an acting lesson or two. Taking benadryl will knock you out. Sound.

It will clear up your stuffy nose though.

Products to assist in your lies AND sick days gone awry, awfully...

2005-07-15T05:38:00.000-07:00

Keenie was kind enough to refer us all to a product that will both give us the appearance of nursing a stuffed up nose and make our eyes red and it is small enough to carry in one's jacket pocket. Thanks, Keenie! You know your stuff.

Yesterday it was mentioned that syrup of ipecac might be a good way to nudge a very resistant boss into giving you a sick day. However, after my research (i.e. googling the stuff), I decided that it's a risky venture. I'm not recommending it personally but if your case is extreme, use with caution.

There are plenty of ways to give yourself a good old fashioned stomach ache. These include calling your local Indian food restaurant and ordering "the hottest spice they offer" on a few dishes. Go to work the next day and everyone will know what's up. Plan on taking the following day as your "sick day" b/c you'll feel better enough by then to catch a matinee, go for a bike ride or a swim or whatever else you wish to do (that's your business).

There are always old standbys such as the fake cough. This doesn't require instruction or purchase of any products to master. In fact, there seems to be a rash of babies about the country developing fake coughs for attention. In my opinion, if babies can do it, you can do it. Take a lead from the babies and get to fake coughing.

In other news, I had a few emails from friends letting me know that they had failed miserably in years past with their fake sick day taking. Thank goodness I'm coming out with this book, they cried, to help them take fake sick days without getting caught. One friend called in a faker, went to the local country club for a swim, a drink, and to get a sun tan and was caught red handed by a co-worker who had a legitimate day off. She was promptly fired. Poor girl. Clearly she didn't read the chapter on "Where not to go on your fake sick day."

About the country there are some stupid people trying to fake sick. They're brazen. They're foolish. They're doing dumb stuff.

TGIF people! Hope no one phoned in sick today. Don't you know to never do it on a Friday?!

E.

Sick Day Skills

2005-07-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

We're all going to be in need of some mad sick day skills.

Any accomplished liar knows that she has to build up to the lie so that those suspecting her of said lie will be able to look back in the near past and say, Oh, maybe she isn't lying. I did hear her cough through that whole meeting on Tuesday or she did mention a horrid case of some sort of stomach ailment from eating all those fried seafood platters last weekend that forced her to be absent from her desk for several hours on Monday.

Planning for a planned fake sick day takes work.

If you're phoning in a faker at the last minute b/c, for instance, you drank three Big Girl martinis the night before, that is another topic for another day and you will have to be dramatic about your situation. We'll go over that later.

However, if you've booked a mani/pedi, an all day shopping trip, and a delicious meal at a pricey restaurant for a Thursday and work is, frankly, impeding your ability to enjoy those things, you need to build up to your fake call in and make your office think you're really sick.

Start the drama Monday. Develop a mild cough. Don't discuss it with anyone but cough until someone in your office says something about it in front of another person. "Are you getting sick, Ellie?"

me: "Oh, I don't think so. I NEVER get sick. I feel great. Maybe I picked up a bit of what Edward had last week but I doubt it."

On Tuesday, blow your nose dramatically. Sorry folks but you're going to have some dry skin for this one. Rub the tissue roughly on your nose so as to develop a Rudolph-esque appearance. Continue with the cough. Schedule meetings about sales or planning or something (WHO CARES) and cough throughout the whole thing whilst also wildly blowing your nose.

Wednesday. Apologies in advance but you're going to have to rub your eyes, preferrably after you've rubbed your fingers in some sort of hot spice. Do this in the bathroom at work. Go up to co-worker who remarked on your cough on Monday and say, "Do my eyes look red?"

Then say, "I don't feel so good."

You might even get to go home early Wednesday (if you leave early b/c you are ill enough for one or two co-workers to say, Go home sick WE INSIST -- don't mark it as sick time. No one will remember it).

Thursday, call in.

How easy is that?

2005-07-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

Well....here goes something. I am writing a blog b/c I'm writing a book and I have a lot to say before this book comes out next Spring. A lot. Most of it won't be true.

I am not going to be one of those people who drones on endlessly about her life (although I'm oh so certain that you'd find it interesting, yeah right).

Instead, I'm going to drone on endlessly about why I deserve more sick days per year than I get, what constitutes a sick day, how you can get some sick days for free without pissing off your co-workers, and a bunch of other topics related to taking some fake but truly hard-earned time off of yo job! Let's be honest, we all need some time off of our jobs.

If you are working anywhere in the US (be it inside an office where the copier never stops and fresh air isn't something you ever catch b/t the hours of 9 and 5 or outside where you shovel gravel or pave roads or capture stray animals, or somewhere in between) I dare you to argue with that one.

So, welcome. Talk to me about how sick you are or how sick you can be. Tell me the best excuse you ever gave for being sick. Pony up your strategies for faking your sick call. Let's face it people, we are all part of this human planet and we're all suffering from work overload and frankly, if I've found out that I (a childless female) can call my cat loving boss when my cat pukes and get a sick day for it b/c Shelly called in when her toddler threw up and got to take a sick day, there is no reason on this planet why I shouldn't share that strategy with you.